Archive: November 17

With autumn coming to pass, the Department of Fast Food and Urban Meal Planning have issued a warning for local chicken thieves. Department official Scott Lagwuinsky warns that "... chicken thieves will steal your chicken meals and ruin your life." A study of the raleigh population was conducted by Lagwuinsky, triangulating data with the University of North Carolina and the University of Berkley. These surveys found that 75.6% of chicken thievery victims corresponded to becoming chicken thieves as well. (Langwuinsky et. all, 2011). Throughout the local area, multiple victims have reported being attacked and their chicken stolen. One victim, who prefers to stay anonymous, was incredibly frustrated after having his six-piece value-meal chicken nugget set abducted by local chicken thieves. "A man in a trenchcoat ran past the drive through window and stole my chicken nuggets! The nice cashier gave me more chicken nuggets, but the trenchcoat guy turned around and dived into my car and ate my f**king nuggets!"

To avoid having valuable chicken meals stolen by local chicken thieves, Lagwuinsky advises readers to be cautious of the signs of chicken thievery. "Most local chicken thieves wear attire that identifies them with local chicken thievery joints. This means they will appear very ugly and out of place in most fast food scenes. They are commonly identified by in-group humor, such as 'winner winner chicken dinner!', and 'hey, hey, poultry in motion!'." There is no known method of rehabilitation, but Lagwuinsky encourages readers to kiss them. "Local chicken thieves have been found to be very lonely across all studies. If a chicken thief is found committing an act of chicken thievery, do whatever you can to restrain their movement. Try hugging and lightly kissing the local chicken thief on the forehead. Positive affirmations such as 'you tried your best', and 'I'm so proud of you' may reduce signs of aggression among chicken thieves, making them more receptive to acknowledging their wrongdoings and returning your food." Although no body of evidence supports this claim, Lagwuinsky has claimed to have applied this method in 15 separate chicken snatchings, with each trial yielding significant success.

Please be cautious this holiday season. To reduce the likelihood of encountering a local chicken thief, please eat indoors whenever possible. Stay within large groups of people while carrying chicken meals, and be sure to dispose of all scraps when finished.


(Last edited Nov 17, 2019)