What Worries You?
174 days old
last post: Aug 15, 2018
What Worries You?
1 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-21 04:23
What worries you most about life? Share it here. Nobody ever goes on this site so nobody will know. Be as vague or specific as you would like.
I am worried right now that my lack of self-esteem will ultimately get the best of me. That even though I have "faked" my way to acting normal that everybody knows me for what I believe myself to be. A Failure. A Loser. Because of this all the little things get to me. Every mistake amplified. I am getting help, but I sometimes wonder if there is anything worth helping.
2 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-21 14:27
What kind of help are you getting? I have been talking to a counselor recently and, whilst fun, it doesn't actually seem to do anything beneficial. I feel just as bad now as I did when I kept it to myself/the internet
3 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-21 17:05
I'm afraid of giving up on everything new I try. I'm afraid I might end up a "jack of all trades, master of none" until I die.
4 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-21 21:17
I am recieving counseling. I will see how it goes, I don't know what to do if it wont help. I feel like I am closer to normal some days, but then I just get other days that leave me feeling like their is no hope. I feel like it is easy for me to deal with major problems and I am able to work on those problems. But then all of the little mistakes I make eat away at me.
5 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-22 07:45
My grandma dying.
6 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-23 20:50
I'm afraid of my mom dying or me dying and scarring my mom. Also afraid of never being employed and losing my friends and going full hikki. >>4
From my experience with counseling the only advice I can give you is if you don't like the counselor find a new one and don't just give it up entirely. I've had both ends of a really understanding guy who helped a lot and someone else who was really opinionated and didn't help at all.
7 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-23 22:37
Not knowing if i like and want to be in a relationship with another person. This one has being on me for a lot of time.
More specifically this time if i want to be with a specific person who i don't know what feelings are shared for me after not comunicating for a few months.
8 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-23 23:01
The Counselor I am seeing now is really good about giving me a space where I can feel comfortable to talk. They also don't judge me, which is nice. I should be going back soon, so I hope that the sessions will help. >>7
Tell me more. Is this person a close friend? Aquaintance? What drove you apart?
9 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-25 10:02
Between friend and acquaintance, we like to talk and stuff when we see each other. We never separated or anything, just vacation but we had this sorta date a few days before it, that's why i'm unsure of what's going on on that person's head.
10 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-25 12:09
Due to a mix of indecisiveness, anxiety and health problems I'm three years behind in uni education, starting 2nd semester when my high school friends are doing 8th and/or working. It's not like i feel pressure or shame about that, but i keep wondering whether i should do some extra work to catch up and become independent faster.
11 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-26 01:22
What worries me, perhaps not the most, but a lot, is this: I have no idea what I want to do with myself career-wise. I think about why I'm in college right now, and I come up with the following deductions:
I am in college because I want to get a degree.
I want to get a degree because I want to get a well-paying job.
I want to get a well-paying job because I want to live a comfortable life.
I want to live a comfortable life because I dread living in poverty.
I dread living in poverty because I don't want to starve, or to be killed by a criminal.
In other words, the only reason I am in college right now is to sustain my life. I read an essay by Moritz Schlick, who vividly argued that the point of life is to enjoy the content of existence. But when the content of your existence is merely the means to the sustaining of your existence, it is vacuous. Thus you ought to do things for their own sake. But I cannot honestly say that I am studying what I am studying for its own sake. I just don't enjoy it, not even in the broadest sense of the word "enjoy" which might include the joy that comes from contributing to society.
So all I know is that I want to limit as much as possible the things I do simply for the sake of survival. If I could do something that I actually enjoy in-and-of-itself and happen to get paid for it, that would be ideal. But I don't think I could convince anyone to pay me to do the sorts of things I enjoy.
12 Name: Anonymous : 2018-02-26 13:39
Realizing that every single time you actually had to choose a path in your life (education mostly) you blew it so hard it now makes impossible to find a job.
Also not being able to enjoy things you like like drawing or writing because you thing everything you produce is utter crap and there's always someone better than you.
13 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-01 04:17
I fake being an extrovert. Many people see me as a good person because of my achievements, maybe even a successful person, but inside I am corroding myself away with insecurity and useless addiction.
It's especially hard when most everyone above me views me as a competent leader and has high hopes for me and my future (this feeling, however, is not shared by my peers, who don't seem to care for me.)
On the inside I know I'm not competent, and I'm not this leader everyone thinks I am. I'm afraid my inadequacy has slowly been revealing itself to those around me, and I'm afraid some have already lost hope in me.
I've been living a duality, and as a result, I've begun to implode in on myself. I've started to push away the people in my life, and recently I've just wanted to be alone.
My work is piling up, my addictions are growing stronger, and I've never felt more lonely.
14 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-02 22:40
AI. It's gonna take jobs, then take information, then take our lives.
15 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-06 23:16
I realize that I can only feasibly achieve at most half of my goals in life.
16 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-12 18:30
I find it frightening how intertwined everyone is to the domineering Internet.
You can only begin to wonder what facets of living have been stifled in its presence.
I can only begin to wonder when I will leave its choke.
17 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-12 22:52
I'm scared of failing.
I've dropped out of college twice now after starting well the first time around, and currently every job I've applied for either ignored me or rejected me.
I'm transitioning to being seen as a woman by others and I'm scared I'm never doing enough or that I won't make it and I'll just be a chemically castrated weird for the rest of my life.
18 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-13 20:31
I'd still like to see what you've made.>>13
I think you can overcome it if you'd like. I wonder if you think anyone has unshakable belief in you. I think that's all you really need.
19 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-13 20:35
It's mildly exciting in a way, if you have a death wish.>>15
What are you working on?>>17
What do you hope your future to be then?
20 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-14 00:04
What do you hope your future to be then?
having a degree of some kind, living comfortably in a small apartment with a decently paying job, and being seen as a sort of female by family, friends, and possibly coworkers. (though I feel bad and awkward about forcing anyone to call me anything and would love for it to come naturally)
That's what I hope my future will be like.
21 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-14 03:21
Why do you not see yourself as a man?
22 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-14 15:00
I do not know.
For some reason, being called a man and having a penis makes me feel sad. I feel intense jealousy whenever I see females and I want to be one of them.
I think it's a mental disorder or something, but it's very real to me.
Whenever my girlfriend or a family member calls me by my preferred (female) name or addresses me with 'she', I feel extremely happy and reaffirmed. Wearing make up and looking in the mirror, almost seeing a woman looking back, makes me feel the same kind of happiness.
23 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-14 15:19
I'm worried about my lack of self control. And I'm stressed by all my deadlines. But I get depressed when I'm idle, so maybe being busy is better. Hopefully I can find a healthy balance.
24 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-14 21:26
Could you explore this feeling of sadness a bit more? Being a man is difficult yet liberating. I don't see what there is to envy in being a woman. I find the life of a woman very delicate and sad. Helpless, almost. Stuck. Also, I think men are more beautiful.>>23
The healthy balance probably comes from a schedule. I have yet to make one myself. But if you want control, a schedule is the place to begin. After a certain point, you have to give yourself a break. Just give yourself a proper one. That is what I've found. Do you have a plan?
25 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-14 23:39
It probably seems a bit anticlimactic, but the sadness almost seems irrational in itself.
I'll try clearing up the feelings with a metaphor: Have you ever worn an outfit or had a haircut or had excess weight, looked at yourself, and thought "This looks wrong. This isn't me"? That's sort of what I get when I look at my body in the mirror. When I look down at my naked body and focus on my penis, it's like it's not supposed to be there. Like it's a mistake.
I'm used to being addressed as a male, but it somehow feels particularly more 'correct' when someone addresses me as female.
And I'm not simply doing this because women have more clothing options, I'm purely focusing on the social aspect of others viewing me as female.
Through medication I'm currently suppressing testosterone production in my body and replacing it with estrogen, and that has caused my muscles to decrease in strength. I do feel weaker, more fragile. It does somewhat scare me to be in this vulnerable position - and maybe it's the mental disorder aspect - but I feel like it's worth it.
Let it be very clear though that is not some perverted fantasy of mine to be a weak girl. I do exercises to retain my muscles since I do not want to be frail.
All this being said, I have no idea what the life of a normal woman is like. I am not socialized like that nor did I experience growing up like that. I could be romanticizing my future too much, but for some reason I still prefer being a weird freak of nature to being a regular man. Admittedly, I sometimes doubt myself and ask myself what I'm really doing to myself, but all of my other feelings (both good and sad) reaffirm for myself that this is the life I want in the end.
Men do have a certain beauty to them, I agree.
Personally though, I have always found feminine men the most attractive.
26 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-15 02:02
I get that feeling all the time. Need more exercise to get to a point where I'm satisfied.
I think you should be more informed on the sorrows women experience before you romanticize it too much. If you are too far in your suppression of testosterone then there is no use creating more doubt. I hope it works out for you. If I were ever to transition, I would make sure to fully take in the repercussions. Again, I do not want to create unnecessary doubt if all is done already, but if there is still a gap of time for you to understand that normal life of a woman, I think it would be very eye-opening. It may reaffirm your choice in the end as well. No use having a foggy future, even if you think the life of a woman and the life you will have will never intersect. It will at least illuminate some aspects of a different body/hormonal make up.
27 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-15 04:53
I got into the habit of not making plans because I didn't want to end up failing them and being disappointed. Not sure if it's helped much.
28 Name: Anonymous : 2018-03-15 07:49
Well, you would be a lot more satisfied with the conclusion of plans than this fugue state. We can plan something together if you'd like.
29 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-09 03:54
I'm worried that peaceful industrial society may be reaching its breaking point--that we could be looking at either collapse or dystopia in the near future. I'm legitimately a little scared for the future.
30 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-22 05:08
This site going 404.
31 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-22 08:24
Yeah, I freak out every time it goes down. So far, it always comes back.
32 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-23 21:38
I'm afraid of becoming a NEET. At the moment I'm a student, and lately it feels like my ability to concentrate and motivate myself has diminished significantly compared to when I first started this year. I experienced the same thing last year, and I figured I would simply recuperate over the break, but when my classes started I feel like the break barely made any difference. I think I'm going to make it through this year, but next year I'm seriously worried that I'll burn out for good.
33 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-24 02:56
Ha. You feel for the school meme.
Oh well. Don't worry. Lots of millennials have un-dischargeable debt they owe to the Fed. You are not alone.
Too bad you didn't do, like, anything else.
Remember that dropping out isn't always the worst thing you could do. You might find something that you've always had a passion for and wamjam a way to make an honest living off of that.
You know. If the public schooling you received didn't beat the wonder and imagination out of you.
Pro Tip: Enter civilian contracting with the military in any work or any field. Almost all the benefits of public sector work with some of the private sector benefits too.
34 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-24 05:28
my sweet gay ass
35 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-26 09:24
Could you explain what the school meme is?
36 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-26 19:42
Getting old. these past fast few days i've been looking back these past 20 years, damn have they flown by. Music sort of still feels the same but there's been an obvious decline since 2007. TV had a giant decline, there hasn't been a really great show in over 5 years (well at most ive seen). Also, aging in general, looking at people around me getting older is really terrifying because it makes me realize we don't have much time and not that much happens in a good 80-100 years
37 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-27 08:44
Strongly recommend you to read "On the shortness of life" by Seneca. It's about an hour to hour and the half read, and this could very possibly be the best investment of hour and half worth of time in your life.
"Walden" by Thoreau is also recommended.
38 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-27 14:49
Never forget the man who raised $55k to make a potato salad on kickstarter. If presented right, you can get people to pay you for anything.
39 Name: Anonymous : 2018-04-28 20:18
It's simple. The boomers went to college because Their folks went to college on the greatest GI bill to ever exist. It worked for both of them so they told their kids and now you got to hear the same story. But only a part of it. In post war America only servicemen and serious studious types went to university. Basically whites. Males mostly.
Over the decades due to social pressures from the hippy dippy crowd in the States you get a market looking for a way to discern between qualified workers and the rest while not being able to use simple IQ tests to get a quick gauge on the matter. So the next best thing corps and local business could do was require a two year degree instead (the fed couldn't define that as racial discrimination). Then once you get past Gen X you've got all sorts of silly programs and quotas to get any minority into a university while simultaneously tying to get as many Americans into them for them sweet profits.
Both cheapen and devalue the two year degrees. Too many people had them and a good number of those holders were still not able to preform. The solution? Four year degrees would now serve many an industry standard moving forward. Too expensive? Ask the fed for a loan. This is where we are now and have been for a while. The next bit is going to get worse.
With ever increasing calls on the fed to assist in payment or outright forgive a majority if not all college debts there can only be one outcome. Take a guess. It's similar to hyperinflation expect the paper in question isn't bills. It's diplomas.
The meme is simply that accreditation will always hold value and is a safe investment no matter what. Which isn't the case by a long shot.
40 Name: Anonymous : 2018-05-12 02:15
My main worry right now is that I will blow by another 5 years without much to show for it. It's why I was so obsessed with hobbies for a few years. I wanted to find my niche that I could spend my time on.and cultivate so that I could have something outside of work and school that I could say with legitimacy that I did of my own volition, my own direction, and my own desire.
41 Name: Anonymous : 2018-05-12 08:37
I think the best thing is to do what makes you happy and try to take care of yourself. Don't worry about being "successful" or "legitimate."
What does anybody really have to show for five years of life?
42 Name: Anonymous : 2018-05-12 18:25
It's not about having something to show to others, it's about having something to show for yourself. Time is the most valuable resource any of us has, and nobody likes the feeling that they are wasting their time away.
43 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-02 21:40
Nazism making a comeback in America. Drumpf, Nazi in Chief, is encouraging fascist uprisings in this country.
44 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-04 16:25
Hey, this is my worry too. Everyone else seems to have been in a band, or know an exotic language, or spent a year in a foreign country.
Now, since I'm getting older, I'm looking back and realising I've only ever really been good at my job and played a lot of videogames.
I can't even swim, or ride a bike. I'm the antithesis of the famous quote from Heinlein:
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
45 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-04 17:53
One of the main things that worry me ironically enough is failing and hurting my parents. Like I'm a fuck up in life yeah. Flunked out of uni twice, rather do my hobby than put effort in to anything, not really caring about stuff, and so on. My dad thinks I'm a good boy who never smoked weed nor had sex, which I did then stopped weed because I got fucked up and almost died, or at least I died. Which I keep that illusion up for him so he has some comfort, I don't know why I do even though I hardly saw him for most my life (millitary and parents divorced). My mom knows of the sex weed and stuff, but she thinks I just fucked up for the semester.
What my parents don't know is that I'm lost and honestly alive because I'm scared of what dying is like (like what the afterlife is like, what it feels like and hurting them).
This is ironic because I came to grips that I hate my living conditions and being around my mom and stepdad. I love them, yeah. But living with an abusive parent (mentally and emotionally) and realizing that's the environment I lived in is pretty fucking nuts. Is the abuse intentional? I don't know, I think it's just one of those "I don't really know what I'm doing things" I don't know. Also, alcoholism. Which led to the only physical abuse when I was 16-17 years old and made me swear off alcohol. Does she know that's why I don't drink? No, it's one of those things I hide from here to keep her feeling better.
Which in transition, all the other stuff that worries me: not getting to a different school and being able to live there and away from my family/ not getting any use of the five years of college I put in/ not finishing school at all/being more likely than I am/ snapping and becoming a violent person/ being lonely/ finding what love is/ failing at love/ actually fucking dying/ and being happy. Like holy shit! I want to be Happy, but I'm scared of it because I hardly had true happiness in a long time and I don't know if I can handle it/ being diagnosed with whatever mental illness I have lingering in my head, I know I'm sick, I just don't want a diagnosis./ Being hurt, physically/ getting sick/ life goes the way I want it,and all these people who cast me off as a reject starts to come back to my life/ being homeless, which around this time found out I might be because someone thinks I'm disrespectful and blah blah blah/ being back in that dark place I was in December where I had a plan (should be obvious what kind) because I was kicked out and threatened to be homeless if I wasn't in school, and the only person who I felt good talking too (and also grew to love) was avoiding me because they had their own issues, (which me telling them that led to that friendship being killed off). In that dark place, I got a full grasp of what it means to be close to rock bottom and hated it even though being down there for so long (a month) grew to be comforting and now I'm kinda fucked up more than I was a year ago./ And the less heavy shit, going out and about with life and seeing a spider(s).
46 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-04 18:04
I don't think I can offer you any good advice, except to keep trying despite how difficult it might seem. A lot of what you wrote is relatable and I think you'll find that your situation is more common than you might think. People pretend that everything is fine on social media, but a lot of young people are in bad situations.
47 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-04 18:12
Thanks Anon, just having someone/where to vent helps alot. Because honestly, if I didn't find this place I probably would have just kept all that with me and not have a place to put it. Because of that whole façad thing that people in my generation and the next has to do to go by.
48 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-06 02:35
This place going 404. Had some downtime yesterday and I couldn't quite focus at work - I was honestly worried for this place. It's good to see the place back again.
49 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-06 04:19
I can make another site similar to this, in case this (or the other scatted textboards) go down.
50 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-06 07:31
I'm worried about the future of the Web: I'm sure that subcultures will continue to be marginalized to the point of extinction by large, profit-seeking companies.
51 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-06 10:18
afternoon.dynu.com going down permanently.
I'd miss this place a lot.
52 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-06 11:46
It's probably a matter of time; all we can do is stubbornly refuse to socialize on corporate platforms and agitate for the kind of Web we want.
Let's enjoy what we have and keep fighting the good fight.>>48>>51
I freak out a little bit every time I come here and the page doesn't load. I've been here for years now and the Letterbox is a part of my life.
53 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-06 17:38
refuse to socialize on corporate platforms
Career suicide. You need a public social media presence on Facebook/Twitter/GitHub/LinkedIn/etc. Whether you like it or not, you need to. Otherwise, you simply won't get hired.
But that being said, you just use those platforms to maintain a socially-acceptable, tame/boring facade rather than your real personality.
54 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-06 23:04
I've never used Facebook in my life, but I still have a job. Then again, I work in a kitchen. It may be different in the food industry.
55 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-08 13:58
I only have Github out of these but during the interview it became clear that they didn't even look at it or care about it. There's barely anything on it so it's no loss but I'm pretty sure that having it in the fist place had no impact on their decision to hire me.
56 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-09 00:25
I worry that I won't be successful. I worry about homelessness.
I used to be an agoraphobic NEET, used to be addicted to drugs, was even homeless for a short time, but now I'm a college student and none of those things are problems for me anymore (I reached out for help or just helped myself overcome those issues). It wasn't easy, but I'm better now. But nowhere near where I want to be.
I am worried about employment opportunities. I sort of do freelancing now, but it isn't enough. There are gaps in my resume and that really worries me. This week, I am going to meet with my university's disability office to see if there are any jobs on campus that would be suitable for someone like me (socially awkward and anxious). Something stable, not just freelancing.
I also don't have any sort of insurance, so when I'm sick or injured, I can't do anything about it. I have health issues that need treating, but I can't afford to get them fixed.
I am trying to do what I can to succeed. For example, I recently made some new friends, and I go out with them to eat and drink. They think I'm quiet, but I'm much more talkative than I used to be. And even if I'm the quietest or least social person in my group, the fact of the matter is that I'm going out with friends multiple times per week now. Something I didn't used to do. And my old friends used drugs, but my new friends don't. We hang out a lot now. My friends all have jobs and I do freelancing and take classes year-round, so it can be difficult to coordinate with all our different schedules, but we make it work anyway.
I also work out with my friend. He's my best friend, but I don't know if I'm his best friend. He has more friends than me. But anyway, I am also joining a group therapy thing, I'm working on group software development projects, and I'm in a big extracurricular group at my university.
Of course, despite coming all this way, my family still doesn't think it's enough. They want to pretend that everyone else my age is super successful and I'm just an anomaly.
Oh, and even though I'm not welcome to spend the holidays with my family, my current best friend said I can spend the holidays with his family now. So that's nice.
So I'm doing the best that I can -- working out, looking for a new job, meeting new people (friends and professional networking), doing freelance gigs on the side, going to college classes and doing my homework, going to therapy, reading more, and not giving in to old habits like drugs or isolation.
But I don't know if I can manage everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to collapse under all this responsibility and stress and anxiety. Sometimes I think I won't make it in my field of study because it's very competitive. Maybe I'll just work in retail or something for the rest of my life instead of something related to my major. Maybe my poor social skills will put people off during interviews.
And no matter what, my family will always be disappointed. They dislike me. Some of my family even hates me. We're hardly family.
When I hung out with my friend and his family, they were very talkative and nice to each other. He commented on me being quiet, because that's not normal to him. When I lived with my family, it was normal for people to ignore me (and each other) and never talk to me except to berate me. So it's weird seeing more well-adjusted relatives getting along.
I hope I can survive college and get a good job and keep everything together. But some days I don't think I can. Life is really hard. This was a long rant, but oh well.
57 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-09 01:13
Reading your post makes me feel hopeful. I am currently struggling with similar issues, namely isolation and drug abuse. That you were able to make a complete change in lifestyle is very impressive and I think it bodes well for your future, if I were a betting man I'd bet on your success. You should be very proud of yourself. It's unfortunate that your family is like that, I think you deserve better. Best of luck to you anonymous.
58 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-09 02:16
Do your friends/coworkers/family members use drugs? That can make it harder to get clean. I actually cut off contact with people in order to get sober.
59 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-10 15:38
I hope it doesn't. I just found this place the other day and I really dig it. It feels comfy, and way more chill than other places.
60 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-10 20:49
Comfy, but there aren't very many posts here. It'd be cool if it was more active.
61 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-11 15:15
62 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-11 17:09
I check this place twice a week, for that post office aesthetic. And whether slow or fast, it's quite alright with me.
63 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-15 02:38
What worries me is that I'll never find a tribe to fit into.
64 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-15 15:36
I was in that same boat. I started going to larp groups and just hanging out there. somehow being in a group of people who are seemed as outcasts helps build a better sense of community. Finding those groups however, might be a burden, but just go on facebook or just google some and you'll find one eventually.
(sorry if this is kinda shit advice)
65 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-15 19:56
it also sucks to be in a group that you know you don't fit in with, but you're a part of it anyway because you don't have any other group to be a part of
but you secretly despise them
that's my predicament
66 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-17 22:50
My panic attacks mimics stroke symptons. So my biggest fear is having a stroke and become a prisoner of my own body, not actually dying, but losing what I value the most: my mind, or, the ability of expressing it.
I'm a developer so my brain and my hands are pretty much my livelihood, which is corny.
I used to mess around with cocaine during my weekend drinking binges, which I stopped when it fucked my anxiety up too. Never do stimulants, people.
67 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-18 18:38
I always thought something about me was amiss but getting a clinical veredict about it added a totally new layer of worry to it, I live in a quite unsafe area as of now but getting a medical record that says that I am a mentally broken individual will mean that the hazards become even more dangerous, I could literally be killed and people will simply shrug it off as a something that happens to crazies.
68 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-19 07:48
people will simply shrug it off as a something that happens to crazies
How would they know? Are you going around parading your health issues?
69 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-19 22:05
I live with relatives that don't know about the concept of private affairs, they love to talk about everything.
70 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-20 00:28
71 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-20 03:38
Riggity riggity rekt.
72 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-24 05:56
honestly, after starting medication for anxiety, I generally have few worries. I think the biggest one for me though is that I'll spend the remainder of my life in this small city, not doing anything of value or worth. but overall I'm thinking that it's more important to do what makes me happy.
73 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-24 11:56
how small is your "small city"?
74 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-24 15:22
small enough that I can bike across the entirety of the metro area in about 25mins. it's a kind of insular place, a bit removed.
75 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-24 21:30
No, I mean population-wise.
76 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-30 21:21
I have serious anger-management problems and I worry that I'll seriously injure someone I really care about in a fit of rage.
77 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-31 00:06
Do you lift weights? I find lifting to be a great way to relieve stress.
78 Name: Anonymous : 2018-08-15 01:49
When I was a kid, I had a friend named ‘G’. ‘G’ was the first person I met when I moved to the new city, and that was comforting because I came into school at 5th grade, when it felt like all of my classmates already knew each other. ‘G’ and I lived across the street, so we hung out a lot. I was an outcast as a kid and bullied a lot, but ‘G’ and I were best friends.
When I think back to the kind of kid I was, I’m not surprised I didn’t have many friends. I was definitely strange. Nonetheless, the few I had were precious to me. ‘G’’s parents had a troubled relationship. I don’t actually know the details, but I know that his mom was not a very good person. They became separated. Years later I would start to understand how that changed him, but when I was a kid all I saw was that one day ‘G’ didn’t want to talk to me any more… Even when I tried to talk to him, with as much emotional intelligence as a 9th grader could have, he would simply ignore me. Even our mutual friends comforted me and let me know that there was no way ‘G’ didn’t want to be friends with me, because we were so close. That was a week past the last time he and I ever talked as anything more than people who had known each other a long time ago.
As a kid, it was frustrating and confusing. It broke my heart to know I had lost someone I had been friends with for years in what felt like a flash. There was no straw that broke the camel’s back, it just happened. I remember he and I got into a fight after the transition had begun, I don’t know where the aggression had come from. Sometimes I wonder if it was him being unable to cope with the separation of his parents, but a large part of me has always felt that it was me. That somehow there was some fault with who I am as a person that lost me my best friend.
I’ve had other incredible friendships, ‘T’ being an instance of a friend who I did keep since 5th grade, and who I still regularly talk to… But sometimes I try to find ‘G’ somewhere out there and there is never anything to be found. He’s gone to Washington last time I had asked his dad, and he’s not on any social media.
79 Name: Anonymous : 2018-08-15 01:50
‘S’ is a friend I have had since 9th grade. When I look back at our friendship, it’s weird and I feel like I lack some sort of perspective. She has called me her best friend, told me I’ve saved her life, but now it feels like she is a complete stranger. It feels like ‘G’.
For some backstory, I have been friends with ‘S’ through so many tribulations in her life. Times where she’s faced eating disorders, times where she’s been with partners who were cruel to her, and times where she has been depressed. I’ve always helped her through those times because when she was young, she would always take my advice and it made me feel good. It felt good to help people, and through my life ever since I was a teenager I’ve loved to help people. There are some people who you want to help, who you will see in pain, but who will not take a person’s advice and not look at their life from a rational perspective. As a friend of one of these people, it’s difficult to watch and sometimes the choice needs to be made whether or not to stick by them and observe, or to simply abandon them.
Observing someone in pain isn’t easy, but it’s also not necessarily painful to the observer either. If you feel that a person is not in any imminent danger, and that they will pull through, sometimes you know you have to be there in the aftermath to help pick them up. Sometimes it’s harder than that though, and sometimes you end up being hurt because every time you want to put your hope and faith into them and expect them to change, you see them fall back down again. Sometimes people can’t accept help being picked up. These are the moments when it is difficult to observe someone you care about in pain or trouble. Enough of these moments can cause a person to question whether or not it’s a lost cause. This is the situation that I am in.
A year last year, ‘S’ visited my state for the first time. It was an incredible visit and we had a blast. Afterwards, we reminisced on our friendship of 9 years at the time, and planned for a next visit. We talked almost daily. Shortly after, we stopped talking regularly. This wasn’t odd, because ‘S’ and I haven’t always talked regularly. The comfort was knowing that when she needed help, I was there for her, and though I didn’t often ask for help, I felt I could count on her.
80 Name: Anonymous : 2018-08-15 01:50
That November, I went to a wedding of a friend, and at some point ‘S’ and I were talking. She had mentioned that she had just started dating another guy after breaking up with Andre (again). I was inebriated, so I had no restraint in telling her that it was a bad idea to rebound so quickly after a 3 year relationship. She said something to the effect of “are you jealous,” which made me very angry. It felt like she thought it was a game. I was there for her after every breakup, I was trying to help her find stability, but she just wanted to flirt.
Shortly into the next calendar year, I observed that ‘S’ was slipping into what I can only assume was an alcoholism-related spiral. At this moment, it’s hard to remember exactly what made me suspicious, but it was later confirmed by her. I was of course very hurt to hear that someone I cared about was suffering from something that I have personally observed tear through my father’s side of my family. She had told me that she planned on working on it, and that it was over. She felt like she had made an ass of herself and apologized. I was sad, but hopeful that she would pull through.
The next time I worried that ‘S’ was in trouble came at an inconvenient time, though it feels selfish to call it inconvenient even when I know the circumstances. I had just been dumped by my girlfriend of 3 years, and needed someone to talk to. ‘S’ had known me and my girlfriend, and though I have many friends who I spend time with, ‘S’ was the only person I felt comfortable bearing my soul to. During the days leading up to it, she was somewhat responsive. In the aftermath, she was almost unreachable. I kept waiting for a response. I was so miserable, and I needed to talk to someone, but as I kept looking through all of my contacts, ‘S’’s name was the only one I saw who I felt I could really talk to. Other friends were either too close to the situation, or people I didn’t really share my feelings with. I needed someone I considered a true friend.
Eventually I gave up on hearing anything substantial from ‘S’. I’d message her sometime in the morning, and she would message me the next day at 4 AM after I’d gone to sleep, and that would be a daily routine. It seemed like I was a nuisance. Eventually I opened myself up to my other friends, and luckily I was accepted with warmth and genuine concern. Sometime later ‘S’ and I had a somewhat substantial conversation, but I don’t credit her with helping me through the breakup. Somehow, it feels like it made it worse.
During the whole incident, ‘S’ opened up to me and said that she had gone back to drinking recklessly again. She told me that she felt guilty about telling me when she is in these situations, because I worry. It worries me more now when I think that she just never tells me anything. She told me she realized her mistake, and that she was going to stop drinking for a while (a week). I think it should have been much longer. She went her week (I assume), and then went back into the drinking. She hasn’t told me personally that she’s drinking often again, but I often see her post images of her drinking out with friends. I can’t stop her from making these choices, and clearly she doesn’t want me to bug her about it.
81 Name: Anonymous : 2018-08-15 01:51
I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I can’t help her with her problems, but I also feel sad because I realize I’m losing my friend and I don’t know what to do. Maybe she doesn’t have a problem. Maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to me and has made new friends. Maybe I’m annoying to her now. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case, considering there are many people who dislike me. Maybe she just doesn’t consider me that good of a friend to her any more. I don’t know, and that’s what hurts.
Every time I try to reach out to ‘S’, she seems so fucking hard to contact. It’s the same fucking bullshit over and over again. She never responds, even though she gets online. She fucking ends her messages with shit like “love,” “babe,” and “dear,” as if she’s fucking cute. It’s not cute. She’s being a shitty fucking friend and then trying to act cute and innocent.
When I visited my friend ‘L’ at his new city i, I got drunk and somehow by some fucking miracle she actually wanted to talk. She said she wanted to have a “skype date,” which I had wanted as well. I wanted to catch up with my friend and actually have a conversation. I wanted to actually hear what was happening in her life and try to figure out why she’s been so cold and distant lately. 3 times I tried to arrange it, and 3 times she cancelled.
Tonight was the last time, and it didn’t even shock me. She bailed on me, and I simply said, “sucks.” I’m not fucking surprised that she did it. It was difficult enough to get her to give me a time. The icing on the cake was when I checked snapchat and saw that just an hour before she was out drinking again. If her drinking is more important than our friendship, then she can go get fucked. I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with the loss of a friend. The feeling of guilt and confusion of losing someone I care about for reasons beyond my understanding. The depression of thinking that I’m the reason, that somehow I could have done something differently and still had that friendship. The lifetime of doubt and regret of knowing that I lost someone important to me.
Thoughts of ‘G’ plagued my adolescence, it was a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes I would dream that we were still friends, and that somehow we would make amends. He left without an explanation, I’m not going to sit around and just let this “friendship,” die in a whimper while ‘S’ fucks her life up. It may as well just be over. I don’t know if I even want to go to Toronto. I don’t know if I want to see her.
Part of me wants to give her a chance, maybe she’s in trouble or pain. Maybe she’s too ashamed to come to me with her problems. Maybe I was too judgmental of her in the past. Or maybe she’s just a shitty friend.