74 Name: Anonymous : 2020-02-11 05:04
It's sunrise. There are nights like tonight where I can't lay down or I feel like I'm having a heart attack, so I have to get up and deal with racing thoughts on top of this scary pounding heart.
I just had this flashback from high school, when this kid's parents decided we shouldn't hang out anymore. I was a 'bad influence'. My grades were pretty bad. I was having health problems but this pattern happened many times.
It struck me how obvious it must've been at the time that I would have never amounted to anything, for it to actually happen decades later. That kid is a physicist now. I struggled, I really struggled to achieve many things but I achieved none. I just couldn't get there for one reason or the other.
Summing up my life and the efforts I've made I can only believe that the whole world committed an injustice against me, or that a few very kind people spared me what was obvious all along and gave me a chance anyway before they got tired. I think I should go with the most reasonable story.
I am pretty sure I'm deep into psychosis because I don't know what is real anymore. I don't know who I am, what kind of person I look like. I don't know the truth about my personal history, why things happened the way they happened. I've been told by professionals that episodes in my story meant things that I thought they didn't mean. Suddenly my story was different, often heavier and more personal but increasingly less of my story.
Despite what is happening right now, I always had the comfort of believing that I had an authentic, functional past, and things simply got out of control at some point in time. But that past disintegrates every time I look at it or analyze it or talk about it.
I'm not sure I can handle the crushing realization that I was horribly damaged from the very beginning, and the very seeds were spoiled, and everything that grew, despite all the care and effort was doomed to be stunted and twisted and never reach as high or bear any fruits. I'm denied even the comfort of blaming somebody who took part to the story, or even myself for laziness, or another character flaw.
I'll go make coffee.