I had only one hope and that hope was art, I had a really strong passion for it and I worked really hard at it since I had the first major depressive episode and was diagnosed with a chronic illness that made my future uncertain. I said fuck it, let's go with it and chase a dream. If I work hard I'll make it.
Art was pretty much what gave me purpose so far but as the years went by I realized that I started too late and I just had no talent. Today I'm not half as skilled as people much younger than me, sometimes even teenagers. They just draw nicer looking stuff and have a better grasp on what they're doing. Nobody even likes the concept of my drawings or my taste in general. There's not a single thing that makes me think I'll manage to touch anybody or communicate anything with my work. So for the past years I ended up crying over paper every time I picked up a pencil. This was the only thing that gave me joy and now it's torture. I barely manage to finish anything.
When people say that talent is just hard work, it's bullshit. They'll say if you fail you've been lazy. It doesn't matter how much you work, if you don't have talent you will never compete. You might only get where a talented person got if they didn't put in the work, but why wouldn't they? Talented people get encouragement and rewards because what they make shines, so they'll work hard by default. If after years your work still sucks, people won't say a thing about it, or they will berate you. The further you chase this delusion the more alone and invisible you'll be and the less valid your claims and history will become. You're just phased out to make room for the survivors and what you say is just noise behind the parade of winners.
I've been drawing less and less because of how painful it is to face how inept I am and how much better everyone else is. I know I'm an idiot and entitled for being uncompromising on the things I draw and looking down on what a lot of other people do, or thinking that they're wasting their talent on things I dislike. I have no right to make it the hard way when people way better than me have to compromise. The only comfort I had was lying to myself and trying to put the blame on other things. I even tried to buy into the gaslighting and think that I actually didn't work hard enough.
I already have everything set up to kill myself, but I'm holding on until a person in my family is dead so I don't cause too much of a mess. I've been littering a lot of places while I wait, like a ghost who's stuck in a behavioral loop and repeats the same shit until someone exorcises it.
This is probably enough to doxx me but I don't care anymore. I hope I'll manage to stop posting this shit, or at least have the sensibility to link a post instead of passing this straight faced copypasta and wasting everyone's time.
Again sorry for the not comfy post, I think I'll leave this board.