45 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-04 17:53
One of the main things that worry me ironically enough is failing and hurting my parents. Like I'm a fuck up in life yeah. Flunked out of uni twice, rather do my hobby than put effort in to anything, not really caring about stuff, and so on. My dad thinks I'm a good boy who never smoked weed nor had sex, which I did then stopped weed because I got fucked up and almost died, or at least I died. Which I keep that illusion up for him so he has some comfort, I don't know why I do even though I hardly saw him for most my life (millitary and parents divorced). My mom knows of the sex weed and stuff, but she thinks I just fucked up for the semester.
What my parents don't know is that I'm lost and honestly alive because I'm scared of what dying is like (like what the afterlife is like, what it feels like and hurting them).
This is ironic because I came to grips that I hate my living conditions and being around my mom and stepdad. I love them, yeah. But living with an abusive parent (mentally and emotionally) and realizing that's the environment I lived in is pretty fucking nuts. Is the abuse intentional? I don't know, I think it's just one of those "I don't really know what I'm doing things" I don't know. Also, alcoholism. Which led to the only physical abuse when I was 16-17 years old and made me swear off alcohol. Does she know that's why I don't drink? No, it's one of those things I hide from here to keep her feeling better.
Which in transition, all the other stuff that worries me: not getting to a different school and being able to live there and away from my family/ not getting any use of the five years of college I put in/ not finishing school at all/being more likely than I am/ snapping and becoming a violent person/ being lonely/ finding what love is/ failing at love/ actually fucking dying/ and being happy. Like holy shit! I want to be Happy, but I'm scared of it because I hardly had true happiness in a long time and I don't know if I can handle it/ being diagnosed with whatever mental illness I have lingering in my head, I know I'm sick, I just don't want a diagnosis./ Being hurt, physically/ getting sick/ life goes the way I want it,and all these people who cast me off as a reject starts to come back to my life/ being homeless, which around this time found out I might be because someone thinks I'm disrespectful and blah blah blah/ being back in that dark place I was in December where I had a plan (should be obvious what kind) because I was kicked out and threatened to be homeless if I wasn't in school, and the only person who I felt good talking too (and also grew to love) was avoiding me because they had their own issues, (which me telling them that led to that friendship being killed off). In that dark place, I got a full grasp of what it means to be close to rock bottom and hated it even though being down there for so long (a month) grew to be comforting and now I'm kinda fucked up more than I was a year ago./ And the less heavy shit, going out and about with life and seeing a spider(s).