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What Worries You?
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1208 days old
last post: Jun 6, 2021
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What Worries You?

56 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-09 00:25
I worry that I won't be successful. I worry about homelessness.

I used to be an agoraphobic NEET, used to be addicted to drugs, was even homeless for a short time, but now I'm a college student and none of those things are problems for me anymore (I reached out for help or just helped myself overcome those issues). It wasn't easy, but I'm better now. But nowhere near where I want to be.

I am worried about employment opportunities. I sort of do freelancing now, but it isn't enough. There are gaps in my resume and that really worries me. This week, I am going to meet with my university's disability office to see if there are any jobs on campus that would be suitable for someone like me (socially awkward and anxious). Something stable, not just freelancing.

I also don't have any sort of insurance, so when I'm sick or injured, I can't do anything about it. I have health issues that need treating, but I can't afford to get them fixed.

I am trying to do what I can to succeed. For example, I recently made some new friends, and I go out with them to eat and drink. They think I'm quiet, but I'm much more talkative than I used to be. And even if I'm the quietest or least social person in my group, the fact of the matter is that I'm going out with friends multiple times per week now. Something I didn't used to do. And my old friends used drugs, but my new friends don't. We hang out a lot now. My friends all have jobs and I do freelancing and take classes year-round, so it can be difficult to coordinate with all our different schedules, but we make it work anyway.

I also work out with my friend. He's my best friend, but I don't know if I'm his best friend. He has more friends than me. But anyway, I am also joining a group therapy thing, I'm working on group software development projects, and I'm in a big extracurricular group at my university.

Of course, despite coming all this way, my family still doesn't think it's enough. They want to pretend that everyone else my age is super successful and I'm just an anomaly.

Oh, and even though I'm not welcome to spend the holidays with my family, my current best friend said I can spend the holidays with his family now. So that's nice.

So I'm doing the best that I can -- working out, looking for a new job, meeting new people (friends and professional networking), doing freelance gigs on the side, going to college classes and doing my homework, going to therapy, reading more, and not giving in to old habits like drugs or isolation.

But I don't know if I can manage everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to collapse under all this responsibility and stress and anxiety. Sometimes I think I won't make it in my field of study because it's very competitive. Maybe I'll just work in retail or something for the rest of my life instead of something related to my major. Maybe my poor social skills will put people off during interviews.

And no matter what, my family will always be disappointed. They dislike me. Some of my family even hates me. We're hardly family.

When I hung out with my friend and his family, they were very talkative and nice to each other. He commented on me being quiet, because that's not normal to him. When I lived with my family, it was normal for people to ignore me (and each other) and never talk to me except to berate me. So it's weird seeing more well-adjusted relatives getting along.

I hope I can survive college and get a good job and keep everything together. But some days I don't think I can. Life is really hard. This was a long rant, but oh well.

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