That November, I went to a wedding of a friend, and at some point ‘S’ and I were talking. She had mentioned that she had just started dating another guy after breaking up with Andre (again). I was inebriated, so I had no restraint in telling her that it was a bad idea to rebound so quickly after a 3 year relationship. She said something to the effect of “are you jealous,” which made me very angry. It felt like she thought it was a game. I was there for her after every breakup, I was trying to help her find stability, but she just wanted to flirt.
Shortly into the next calendar year, I observed that ‘S’ was slipping into what I can only assume was an alcoholism-related spiral. At this moment, it’s hard to remember exactly what made me suspicious, but it was later confirmed by her. I was of course very hurt to hear that someone I cared about was suffering from something that I have personally observed tear through my father’s side of my family. She had told me that she planned on working on it, and that it was over. She felt like she had made an ass of herself and apologized. I was sad, but hopeful that she would pull through.
The next time I worried that ‘S’ was in trouble came at an inconvenient time, though it feels selfish to call it inconvenient even when I know the circumstances. I had just been dumped by my girlfriend of 3 years, and needed someone to talk to. ‘S’ had known me and my girlfriend, and though I have many friends who I spend time with, ‘S’ was the only person I felt comfortable bearing my soul to. During the days leading up to it, she was somewhat responsive. In the aftermath, she was almost unreachable. I kept waiting for a response. I was so miserable, and I needed to talk to someone, but as I kept looking through all of my contacts, ‘S’’s name was the only one I saw who I felt I could really talk to. Other friends were either too close to the situation, or people I didn’t really share my feelings with. I needed someone I considered a true friend.
Eventually I gave up on hearing anything substantial from ‘S’. I’d message her sometime in the morning, and she would message me the next day at 4 AM after I’d gone to sleep, and that would be a daily routine. It seemed like I was a nuisance. Eventually I opened myself up to my other friends, and luckily I was accepted with warmth and genuine concern. Sometime later ‘S’ and I had a somewhat substantial conversation, but I don’t credit her with helping me through the breakup. Somehow, it feels like it made it worse.
During the whole incident, ‘S’ opened up to me and said that she had gone back to drinking recklessly again. She told me that she felt guilty about telling me when she is in these situations, because I worry. It worries me more now when I think that she just never tells me anything. She told me she realized her mistake, and that she was going to stop drinking for a while (a week). I think it should have been much longer. She went her week (I assume), and then went back into the drinking. She hasn’t told me personally that she’s drinking often again, but I often see her post images of her drinking out with friends. I can’t stop her from making these choices, and clearly she doesn’t want me to bug her about it.