Emptiness and Hollowness?
685 days old
last post: Apr 24, 2020
Emptiness and Hollowness?
1 Name: Anonymous : 2018-06-25 16:40
Does anyone else suffer from always feeling disconnected? I'm worried that I may miss out on the beauty in life because of my constant dissociation. I think it comes from a combonation of my loser parents and growing up on the internet. I know this isn't a very comfy topic I just want to know if anyone else feels this way? what do you do to cope?
2 Name: Anonymous : 2018-06-25 21:12
Trying to cope is futile. Your, pretty much, the only option is to accept suffering. Or you can flip the switch.
I've accepted it.
3 Name: Anonymous : 2018-06-25 23:09
The beauty in life isn't the same for everyone. What do you enjoy?
I often feel disconnected from most of the people around me, because we have so little in common. I've learned, however, that there's usually something we can connect over, even if it's just smoking together or talking about our jobs.
4 Name: Anonymous : 2018-06-26 00:46
Become familiar with who where you come form. Who are your folk? Where did they come from? How strong a bond lies between them? What have they achieved?
Then decide for yourself what you want to be in that story.
5 Name: Anonymous : 2018-06-27 18:07
I'm just waiting to die. Instead of emptiness, it's a quiet acceptance. I tried to be something I'm not - I've accomplished things I thought were impossible by bullshitting my way to the top.
6 Name: Anonymous : 2018-06-28 20:24
Y'all need to talk to a priest, and fast.
7 Name: Anonymous : 2018-06-29 06:01
Ha, I'll pass. They might know too much. People who know to much about me become a very clear and present danger to my self. And we can't have that now, ey? EEEYYY?
8 Name: Anonymous : 2018-07-02 21:29
You can always take up social activism. Help dismantle white supremacy and help your local DSA chapter.
9 Name: Anonymous : 2019-07-30 19:20
Actual dissociation as in a mental illness, or just the usual isolated person stuff?
The first one, get help, the second...not many people actually feel connected and the only solution is to proactively carve your own niche in the world and populate it with people you like.
10 Name: Anonymous : 2019-07-31 08:54
I'm pretty much the same as >>5
The closest i found to peace is just straight up ignoring dissociation, Of course it won't go away just from being ignored but existence becomes simpler when you dont spend all your energy fighting it.
You have to realize that dissociation is merely a defence mechanism, Something about being alive feels incredibly overwhelming to you so to survive you distance yourself, Some people are just more prone to this sort of defence mechanism, Like your brain getting stuck in a permanent fight or flight reaction.
Figure out what makes you tick, What makes you so scared of existing. Or don't, It's all up to what you want from life.
11 Name: Anonymous : 2019-07-31 19:45
That sounds like some really bad depression.should you go to therapy?
12 Name: Anonymous : 2019-07-31 21:00
Internet outages are a thing now. I can gather and archive all I want, but nothing comes close to the absolute, cosmic horror of being completely alone in a harsh, hostile world.
13 Name: Paperplane : 2019-08-01 04:39
You're shifting the blame on your parents and while this might be factually true it's not a helpful way od thinking because it results in you not accepting responsibility for your situation. But you actually do have the agency to change yourself and the world around you.
14 Name: Anonymous : 2019-08-01 06:09
The weird hollowness is probably the fact you let your dreams die.
You accept the mediocrity, and the futility of words.
But I think it's fun to try to say some stuff that split the seams.
Make you do a double take and have it seem otherwise.
You can feel the ulcer of supplemented self-expression through text leaking down across the intestines.
It's just too isolating to entertain these places. I remember writing long ago that you have to be in a certain frame to enjoy it.
The level of detachment we need in order to read this place is an *expectation*
it's really frustrating seeing how alone we all are.
I'm frustrated at how lonely it can get.
I'm frustrated how used we are to passing onlookers and not even thinking of stepping outside the coffin manufacturing line.
I hate looking at people knowing I'll never see or talk to them again.
It shouldn't be like this. What happened?
If I had the ability I would tear up now.
Gooey pathetic humanity is what we are, after all.
15 Name: Anonymous : 2019-08-01 08:44
Yeah nah, fuck all of you. You are literally sitting at a screen talking to people across the entire planet. You are the only person controlling your own body, and you can’t blame anyone else for anything that’s gone wrong here. People lived for fucking centuries without the internet, and here we are in the modern age with literally the entire sum of human knowledge and progress available to you right here. This is the best it’s ever gotten. Go outside. Do shit. Every day comes a new you, and you should always seek to improve yourself every day. Fake it until you make it if you can’t. Go find what you like, because sitting here fucking off on the computer is going to do jack shit at improving your situation right now.
16 Name: Anonymous : 2019-08-02 05:13
It's very easy to be dismissive of others suffering when you don't experience it yourself, Maybe you should try having some empathy instead of kicking people who are already down.
Dissociation is a very real mental illness, Read up on how it feels.
17 Name: Anonymous : 2019-08-02 06:17
Sorry, just things like 80% of this thread makes me intensely angry for no real reason. It’s like fetishising an illness, like treating it like some sort of poetic suffering woe-is-me cool thing. There’s just a vibe of non-genuineness to it. Accept suffering? Give up? Wait to die? Screw that, go to a psych.
18 Name: Paperplane : 2019-08-02 21:10
Depression is merely an acessoire for zoomers.
19 Name: Anonymous : 2019-08-05 22:30
I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.
20 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-23 08:58
I'm constantly feeling the same, I've spent 24 years of my life sitting in front of a computer screen. Mentally and digitally I feel like I've lived lifetimes, however when it comes to the physical realm of life I've barely done anything in the last 11 years. I've barely ever worked, mostly have been a NEET my entire adult life. But I can't stop and half of the time I'm just miserable when I have to interact in the real world. I live in a rural area so I don't relate with most of the stereotypical "rednecks" here. Now days my town has fallen apart like most small towns across the United States. Jobs drying up and places becoming depressed little ghost towns where everyone is strung out on drugs or on welfare. I have no idea what direction to take with my life. I've tried to earn a living online with what digital skills I have but I don't have that "piece of paper" which holds me back and freelancing just hasn't worked out. I don't have any friends and only a few family members that'll even associate with me. But even they constantly are putting me down for my faults, I'm aware I have certain "mental disablities" which would probably help if I were to have them properly diagnosed. I can't even hardly bring myself to go out of the front door anymore. The only times I do is when I'm visiting my grandmother, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and going to my doctor's appointments. Which as obvious my trash duty is the most common task that puts me in a position to literally go outside. Which I always wait to do around 2:AM - 4:AM at night. I don't want to be seen by the neighbors or anyone who may be driving down my road as a few people do all hours of the day/night due to suspected drug dealer living at the end of my road. I need to rekindle a passion for my hobbies and interests of the past. I've recently started to draw again, do small video edits, and creating wallpapers. Not much but it started to cheer me up the other day as I felt good about creating something. But I have to figure out a way to keep in a routine as well. I feel as if I have a long way to go and a personal hell to climb out of. I'm sincerely hoping that can be achived if I start pouring everything I have into an effort to make a better decade for the 2020s. I need to disregard the rest of the world and how bad things are throughout it as well as around me here locally. Because if I'm just going to be stuck here, what do I really have to lose? If I stay as I am right now, I'll just end up homeless eventually and seriously in trouble. If I kill myself, I'll never get the chance to really have the glimmer of hope to enjoy anything or have a chance to maybe even bring joy to someone else thus bringing joy to myself out of a selfless act. Or if I can't connect with people in person, maybe I can rebuild the courage to try to put myself "out there" online. Even in a community like this to talk to you guys. Share my experiences with you and listen to yours. I'm sorry for typing a wall of text that may be disorganized in context. But I'm telling things as they come to me and how I feel. I hope I can be welcomed here and further the sense of community within my life as well as perhaps others.
21 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-24 00:14
Really appreciate you opening up here. In general, I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to deal with the outside world, for the most part that's how I am, even though I at least can deal with people IRL a bit. I dunno, I'm young so I don't feel quite the way you do, but I figure trying to be more creative and willing to put in effort into hobbies will help you be happier. That's what's really gotten me out of being bored depressed and useless.
22 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-24 00:54
It's no problem as I mentioned above that I'm trying to find a place that I can belong for the most part. It's something that I haven't experienced for a very long time in my life. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and give me a reply to further bridge a connection with each other. Honestly, if I could work on some self-improvement and maybe left this area to start a new chapter in my life with a change of scenery maybe I might have a somewhat chance. But I have to battle these personal demons that have been plaguing me for decades of my life. Especially within the last 11 years. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but being more creative as well as participating in my hobbies as well can at least bring up my overall morale at home. I need to find an outlet to share these on as I'm not exactly looking for anything like "YouTube", etc. That's all behind me and echos of the past that I tried without ever bringing me any joy. I have a difficult time connecting with others as I'm "different" then most people generally. I also struggle with general small-talk as it's something I just cannot find any value in or point getting across. Ironically I love to talk about the weather and have actually offended others by doing so as it's the only form of small-talk I can accomplish. They think I'm being rude or a smartass with them when I have a unique authentic interest in it. I used to talk with others via IRC throughout the years but kind of stopped. I've been thinking about starting that up again as well. Mostly just discussing various things on the internet we'd come across, projects we were working on, video games, and anime back when I used to watch it religiously. I don't really find myself "bored" for the most part, but I definitely struggle with depression and feeling "useless" as well.
23 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-24 02:09
That bit about weather is actually really funny, especially since I've never met anyone who's used that as small talk. For me, small talk is pretty much always useless and uncomfortable, so I definitely fall into the same camp as you in that respect. When interacting with people, I guess I can seem pretty standoffish, since I think I might have a bit too high of a standard for people I want to talk to normally, or at least first impressions. Really, for most people, having *too* high a standard for people is a hindrance, it's definitely limited me severely, so you should try to be more open with new people. New people usually can spice things up and make life less routine, I know from my experience that making a friend has definitely helped me out before.
The bit about IRC probably might have been the case years ago, but these days I'm hard-pressed to find an active IRC room for anything I care about. Sadly I've mostly been confined to Discord, since that's the only place anyone seems to talk anymore.
Generally, I hope you can get out of this, I guess rut, and be able to change things up a bit. Probably the worst thing to do is keep your life the same consistently for years, it can be really dulling to a person's spirits.
24 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-24 07:10
For the past ten years of my life I've felt a very palpable sense of "hollow"ness, as if the physical and mental sensations I feel are surface level. I once did minor surgery on my toe with a knife, just to see how far this shallowness of physical sensation extends. It's not that I don't feel things, see things, smell things, or other, it's that these feel cheap and non-impactful. It's a flat world with no depth. Searing pain is searing pain, sure, but it lacks an affect on my psyche. It doesn't compel my thoughts even if it compels my emotions. Emotions, too, are affected by this. It feels as if rage, happiness, depression, or whatever is separate from "me", whatever "me" is. As if these feelings are happening in my head and they aren't mine per se, but my body's. I struggle to understand my own feelings because of this disconnection and can't tell when I'm stressed, happy, sad, or whatever.
I don't know what this is, and I probably won't ever. I wouldn't call myself depressed, unmotivated, sad, or whatever.
25 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-24 08:54
A bunch of people do in my area or at least from my own personal experiences in the past. I agree, it's always pointless for the most part and feels "out of place" like it has complete irrelevance. No need to be forced to talk to someone just because you two may pass by each other out of nowhere. I understand having mannerismd as well as to not be rude. But you don't have to go out of your way to make someone else feel uncofortable and even worse to put them down if said person doesn't get the initial response they were looking for. I feel as if I'm quite the same to a certain degree. Oddly enough I always feel much more comfortable talking to people who seem like the outcasts or not the societal norm here. At least in the past when I was more socially active and got out more. I seemed like I could bring people out of their shell and it helped me find a better place mentally with opening up, but those days are long gone lost without a way to return due to the tides of time. I do need to work towards being open with others in real life, I think focusing on deeper conversations online isn't a bad idea or at least for now to practice. As I haven't even been able to do that for a good while. I'm enjoying writing out responses in length on here even though others may find it pretentious. Which I hope I'm not coming across as considering that's not my intentions. I've also been stuck on this idea that I need to work on a routine and stick to it almost as a machine with a prewritten coded schedule in place with the slightest bit of disturbance or anything that doesn't belong causes a "malfunction" within my mental state to cause me to breakdown for the rest of the day. I've tried out Discord, there's things I like and dislike about it. Mostly I just lurked about trying to learn what I could, then quit using it for various reasons such as privacy concerns, and feeling out of place like I can't belong to most server communities I stumbled across. But I've done that with so many other websites, imageboards, and textboards alike. I've been an observer on the internet for so long and absorbed an insane amount of information, knowledge, entertainment, and some of the most useless wastes of time you could possibly imagine. Thank you for the wishes, this has been a bad place for way too long now. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life and I'm really hoping things start to pick up with each page turned. My life hasn't really had much positivity in it or anything of spirit boosting equivalence for a long time. So the "dulling" effects are most definitely present.>>24
I used to have a problem with something similar I'd inflict self-harm through cutting, hitting myself, and other various methods to induce physical pain just to feel something different or to feel that if things were really still real. I know it sounds like an episode for a teenager but still the same I went through it. I know it's not exactly the same, but I can understand the hollow nature of feeling "cheap" and "non-impactful" as well. I also would imagine we're not the only two here that has a story of that. I want to believe that maybe we can share each others experiences and perhaps others can grow above it all alongside us or even prevent someone from going through the same. I'm sick of living with this and desperately want something more out of life. Sometimes I even feel like there's multiple versions of myself trying to break free, versions of myself from the past, present, alter egos, alternate reality possible versions of myself, and more. Like I want a real chance to figure out who I am. Maybe that's the same with you. I have trouble distinguishing my emotions, feelings, and sometimes have a disconnection episode so bad that I can't even figure out my own reality of it all.
26 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-25 17:29
They used to call that being on the path to enlightenment, but I think nowadays they just call it dissociation.
27 Name: Anonymous : 2019-12-30 04:44
I feel you friend. I think a lot of it has to do with the society we live in. A lot of us feel off because we are off. Our lives, our society, and our planets are off. we've lost sight of thr things that truly matter. I don't mean to sound preachy, my situation is not all that different from yours>>26
Also dissociation isnt considered an issue if it has "spiritual purposes", the DSM memtions something about that. I know learning to learn and live with my dissociation instead of living in fear like I was definitely took me to strange places.
28 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-04 11:08
Everything you described is obvious depression.
29 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-10 19:44
I keep failing at connecting with family. I think I'm just going to quit and try to connect with other people regardless if they share blood with me or not. I'll create a "new family" among friends.
30 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-11 01:40
In the past i used to think that other people where hollow, shallow and not worthy of dealing with but recent experiences have taught me that maybe the shallow one is me, maybe i can't connect for the same reason they can't connect with me, there is simply too much of a difference in opinions for us to stablish any kind of connection, my friends, i see them as simply temporary alliances and probably won't even feel a significant impact if we were to ever stop talking. my family has already made clear their stance with me by caging me in a mental institution 2 times and given the chance will probably go for a third but for fear of my retaliation have not decided to kick me out altogether, right now i simply exist and use the internet to pass time, i know things won't improve and that this path leads to homelessness in the long run, but there is nothing i can do to change it, to be quite honest i have grown to resent myself and other people, so once the final day comes i will probably use that opportunity to do some misanthropic shit to get back at people.
31 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-12 03:55
My brief advice from my experience with depression is this:
The single most important thing I found in getting out of it was to have a goal to work towards. I set mine on emigrating from my home country. That's not my goal anymore, but it was the thing that motivated me against all else to go to college, get a job, and generally press forwards in life. Those were the obvious first steps towards it. It doesn't have to be as far-reaching a goal as that, just something you can actually take steps towards, something to look forwards at. I got very lucky too (in short order a lot of my negative expectations were subverted) but that happened once I'd already set down the path of doing something. Anything. That gets you moving, that lets you imagine yourself as the different person you could be, and that can be very liberating.
I don't know if that's helpful to anyone here (Advice from others always felt so pointless at the time - not applicable to my own situation), but it's all I can offer.>>15
While I agree that people should fight to be happy every day, I really hate the mindset that says
This is the best it’s ever gotten
It's bullshit. We're not magical little orbs of energy that gravitate towards utility generating objects - we're not The Sims. Humans are over-evolved monkeys with monkey minds to match. The fact the monkey has an iPhone that can tell him who the prince of Prussia was in 1242 (Or more accurately that Prussia was founded in the 1500s, so there was no prince of Prussia - but that the princes of the areas who became Prussia were...) isn't going to make up for more essential wants. A purpose, meaningful work, some kind of social position - if not in mainstream society than at least in some community, something to sate those basic tribal feelings we have. By these sorts of measurements it's easy to see why life now is worse than it would be for many people even 50 years ago. There's always a regression to the mean: First television is the most exciting thing ever, then it's a norm of life - not particularly appreciated - but desperately painful to lose. The same is true of the internet.
On top of that, when you understand that we're monkeys you realize that the much greater material wealth of the average person means very little when the internet has opened up the opportunity for (a) most people to show only the best of their lives on social media, creating the illusion most people are doing far better than they are, and (b) allowing a small segment of disproportionately well off people to show off like never before. To our rational minds it's easy to only care about absolute wealth, but to the monkey it's relative wealth - relative status that matter.
We absolutely are not living in the best of times to be a human being, a flawed monkey with an ego complex. God! Contemplate the depressing implications of the current time being the most enjoyable one to be alive! For sure, we aren't living in the worst of times either, and the situation isn't beyond hope - the solution certainly isn't to regress to where we were 30, 40, 400 years ago. It's to press forwards and fix things. The present is shit: So fight it, hide from it, don't find yourself resigned to it. Sooner or later everyone's going to realize it.
32 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-12 04:18
The main thing that people are prone to forget is that success is relative, so it's equally possible to be unhappy in a very rich household or in a lower class household. It's all about what you're achieving and where you're going, not where you are.
33 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-12 11:45
The single most important thing I found in getting out of it was to have a goal to work towards.
It's true, it's what kept me going for a while. But I failed that goal miserably.
34 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-17 20:57
I constantly have doubts that I'm just am awful, empty person and my view of the world is completely wrong, that I've taken the wrong side of everything, and my own limitations as a person prevent me from seeing things right. What if I'm just stupid? What if I'm just a bad person who doesn't "get it"? What if I'm too cynical to see the good things? What if I just wanted to avoid putting all of myself sincerely out there, without holding back, even though there's evidence that nobody cares or it would harm me like it did many times before? What if I was just never meant to be anything, and I've been discarded because I'm simply bad and useless? What if every aspiration I had was just a megalomaniacal delusion I had no chance to realize?
There's nobody around me to verify what I think, or who shares my thoughts. When I reach out because I'm desperate I get words of encouragement that I know are circumstantial, or no reply at all. I feel like I'm being lied to all the time, by others and myself just the same. I thought I had become a detached observer for a long time, but I'm starting to fear I've retreated in a world of fantasy instead. I don't feel any wiser, I'm only devoured by doubts.
There's only one thing that's worse than the certainty of being a failure, it's the crushing doubt that you've been living your life wrong all along, and you wasted all of it because of ignorance and delusion. It's spread like a cancer in every thought I have and I can't bear it anymore.
35 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-17 21:16
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have posted this here.
36 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-17 23:56
Don't be sorry, I feel the same. Who knows, maybe someone here will have some good advice for us.
37 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-18 03:36
every person has at least some topics they're knowledgeable in. since there should be more curious people in this world, why don't you choose a topic that you like and learn it deeply? the world is a big place, after all. it is easy to be wrong, especially if that person you're arguing with happens to know more about some subject matter than you.
38 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-18 12:41
What does being knowledgeable about a topic have to do with what is valuable to you or morality?
39 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-18 22:45
to put an end to your doubts, learn deeply about what troubles you and appraise your situation. if you find that you are wrong, you have no choice but to make some adjustments to compensate for your past way of thinking.
but since morality and ideals are subjective, the decision to decide whether you're wrong or not is entirely up to you.
40 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-19 05:33
I just wanted to have a meaningful life. I can't live in any other way, so I don't know how to cope. I wasted all my life but there was no other way I could've lived this far. I was just meant to get to this point no matter what.
Anyway I don't want to talk about it, it's really painful to even think about it.
41 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-22 10:24
I've been feeling pretty empty without friends for 6+ years.
42 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-22 19:08
After all these years, I think my issue can't be an illness. I have found my purpose in life but after years of stubbornly believing and trying, I finally had to give up. I'm not stupid enough to lie to myself forever. That's my only problem. There is no brain imbalance. It's a very practical issue, I want something and I can't have it. So what are my options? There's no point if I'll be unhappy no matter what. I'm tired of pointlessly littering the dedicated dumps for despair where everyone collectively vomits their anguish, or talking to state-issued drug dealers who think if I can go to work I'm fixed.
I've been doing this for one or two years now. If there's a space like this I just start spewing the same posts over and over again, it doesn't bring me any relief except I'm a little closer to the end of the day by the time I'm done typing.
Functionally I've given up my ambitions but within myself I just can't drop them. They're eating me alive.
43 Name: Anonymous : 2020-04-24 04:22
When the anhedonia sets in, I go cloud watching. It makes my despair feel small, and I'm at peace.
44 Name: Anonymous : 2020-05-11 01:36
It's amazing how we all go through the same feelings of alienation.
I wish I could hug everyone in this thread.