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Emptiness and Hollowness?
45 replies
1310 days old
last post: May 11, 2020
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Emptiness and Hollowness?

20 Name: Anonymous : 2019-11-23 08:58
I'm constantly feeling the same, I've spent 24 years of my life sitting in front of a computer screen. Mentally and digitally I feel like I've lived lifetimes, however when it comes to the physical realm of life I've barely done anything in the last 11 years. I've barely ever worked, mostly have been a NEET my entire adult life. But I can't stop and half of the time I'm just miserable when I have to interact in the real world. I live in a rural area so I don't relate with most of the stereotypical "rednecks" here. Now days my town has fallen apart like most small towns across the United States. Jobs drying up and places becoming depressed little ghost towns where everyone is strung out on drugs or on welfare. I have no idea what direction to take with my life. I've tried to earn a living online with what digital skills I have but I don't have that "piece of paper" which holds me back and freelancing just hasn't worked out. I don't have any friends and only a few family members that'll even associate with me. But even they constantly are putting me down for my faults, I'm aware I have certain "mental disablities" which would probably help if I were to have them properly diagnosed. I can't even hardly bring myself to go out of the front door anymore. The only times I do is when I'm visiting my grandmother, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and going to my doctor's appointments. Which as obvious my trash duty is the most common task that puts me in a position to literally go outside. Which I always wait to do around 2:AM - 4:AM at night. I don't want to be seen by the neighbors or anyone who may be driving down my road as a few people do all hours of the day/night due to suspected drug dealer living at the end of my road. I need to rekindle a passion for my hobbies and interests of the past. I've recently started to draw again, do small video edits, and creating wallpapers. Not much but it started to cheer me up the other day as I felt good about creating something. But I have to figure out a way to keep in a routine as well. I feel as if I have a long way to go and a personal hell to climb out of. I'm sincerely hoping that can be achived if I start pouring everything I have into an effort to make a better decade for the 2020s. I need to disregard the rest of the world and how bad things are throughout it as well as around me here locally. Because if I'm just going to be stuck here, what do I really have to lose? If I stay as I am right now, I'll just end up homeless eventually and seriously in trouble. If I kill myself, I'll never get the chance to really have the glimmer of hope to enjoy anything or have a chance to maybe even bring joy to someone else thus bringing joy to myself out of a selfless act. Or if I can't connect with people in person, maybe I can rebuild the courage to try to put myself "out there" online. Even in a community like this to talk to you guys. Share my experiences with you and listen to yours. I'm sorry for typing a wall of text that may be disorganized in context. But I'm telling things as they come to me and how I feel. I hope I can be welcomed here and further the sense of community within my life as well as perhaps others.

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