34 Name: Anonymous : 2020-01-17 20:57
I constantly have doubts that I'm just am awful, empty person and my view of the world is completely wrong, that I've taken the wrong side of everything, and my own limitations as a person prevent me from seeing things right. What if I'm just stupid? What if I'm just a bad person who doesn't "get it"? What if I'm too cynical to see the good things? What if I just wanted to avoid putting all of myself sincerely out there, without holding back, even though there's evidence that nobody cares or it would harm me like it did many times before? What if I was just never meant to be anything, and I've been discarded because I'm simply bad and useless? What if every aspiration I had was just a megalomaniacal delusion I had no chance to realize?
There's nobody around me to verify what I think, or who shares my thoughts. When I reach out because I'm desperate I get words of encouragement that I know are circumstantial, or no reply at all. I feel like I'm being lied to all the time, by others and myself just the same. I thought I had become a detached observer for a long time, but I'm starting to fear I've retreated in a world of fantasy instead. I don't feel any wiser, I'm only devoured by doubts.
There's only one thing that's worse than the certainty of being a failure, it's the crushing doubt that you've been living your life wrong all along, and you wasted all of it because of ignorance and delusion. It's spread like a cancer in every thought I have and I can't bear it anymore.