Yeah, it comes down to some action. for although it seems a perspective of >>3
growing up, I still am ignorant. You could say it's a mild frustration in that there's nothing more to learn as well as nothing more to add although contradictory in nature - you'd think in all your nuggets of wisdom there'd be some you can cast out - but it's all muddled in thought. Or just exemplary of the fact there was no real advice to set in.
I don't want to pretend that my education leaves me any more understanding than someone working in the heat. It's also a faint hotness that I feel in it all, to find a solution or not I feel in itself contributes to the problem. Or the problem is nothing compared to the iron others have to strike to live.
Although it takes some neuroticism to even bother typing up something that advocates to never be written, it's just a weird powerlessness that overcomes me. Only now does it set in that it was never anything more. I can't help but wonder or feel stupid to consider why others bother. I feel as if my words have no meaning anymore. A stronger powerlessness comes when you know all you've said is just another disarray. Keep the thoughts to yourself, is what I've said in my head.
The grey sets in almost. It's dumb. It's not complicated at all. I suppose you could only hope (or to hope is dumb as well) to change the course either way?
The stone is setting in and frankly I know I will turn into all the other silents but still uncertain or powerless to reconsider or change the path. A histrionic is the last thing you could ever consider me, but I suppose I'm kicking around wondering why is my fate already sealed.
I typed a lot but realize that I just am lacking a lot of things. And if I'm even more honest, to remove this anonymous barrier the same thing will still result. It's unbelievably hard to think about another relationship that wouldn't just be filled with quietness. I have forgotten why I use words for themselves, if that could make sense. Instead of ways to prove or probe they're just ways to reduce damage or to solidify the next action. Nihilism is the last thing that causes this; it's more of a reducible simplistic (maybe ignorant) understanding that everything more isn't much to begin with.
Coarse it is, adulthood I guess. Or maybe it's just beginning and I'll look forward to conveying up something again when the reason is there and the experience comes through. Until then, it's just very lame and isolating. Or these are passing emotions and thoughts. Tomorrow I'll continue to look for an answer, just as everyone in history has. Grab at thoughts and plaster them if I have to, or tomorrow may be the breaking point and my room will keep me. Was it worth sharing? Time will tell.